Still It Moves. [Part II]

To the legions of Philes worldwide “all things” is often held as the monumental glimpse into Scully’s and Mulder’s first night as lovers. We respectfully dissent to that opinion. Akin to our take on “Millennium,” we feel that the simplicity of the situation shown to us is indicative of the fact that it was not a key moment for being the first incident of the sort but was important to show to us due to the emotional growth of the characters on that occasion. “all things” was, in our opinion, our heroes reaching a new level of understanding regarding the various pre-existing aspects of their relationship. They gained a greater capacity to appreciate who they are and where they are a bit more but were not creating an entirely new dimension. The way in which Scully evolves in “all things” and in a sense “catches up” to Mulder is the key to the importance of that night. They took something that was already occurring and brought it to a new level of intimacy. Becoming physical in that sense was just something that happened as a part of the natural evolution of things. Taking into account human nature and particularly the nature of the characters, their sexuality together was likely not discussed with commonly used terms of commitment.

Mulder’s musings in his living room late that evening have little, if anything, to do particularly with sex. We understood him to be speaking of their lives as a whole: separate and together, as partners, friends, and lovers. Essentially, if they had never met it was not just one aspect of their lives that would be different — they would not be the people they had become without the influence of the other. These thoughts are not directly or specifically related to the sexual component of their union. We as human beings so often separate our sexual and emotional lives, even with the ones we love — sometimes especially with the ones we love most. They likely began expressing their connection physically before being able to discuss the implications this sexuality would have on their emotional, intellectual, and professional partnership. The love Scully and Mulder have for each other has always been evident and while existing simultaneously with their sex life, most likely and rather pointedly did not collide in its earliest stages. Mulder’s rambling about the possibility of their never meeting really has nothing at all to do with when they consummated their relationship. This scene is not about sex, it is about the choices human beings make throughout the course of life. It is fate versus free will. Given what Scully had been through while Mulder was away, she was far too raw to embark upon a new sexual relationship that evening. It is plausible, however, that the closure she received led she and Mulder to a new phase of understanding with what they’d already begun. It seems, to us, that Dr. Waterston’s brief reprisal in Scully’s life led her to a great deal of reflection and, eventually, to a place where she was able to cross the bridge to something new with Mulder, unafraid. She was able to fully accept her past and only then can one fully embrace one’s present. This frame of mind does not lend itself well to immediately starting something new; rather it is quite helpful in solidifying a pre-existing situation.

The emphasis in “all things” was centered around a spiritual re-awakening in Scully; her coming to terms with the path she had chosen and finally, it seems, gaining a sense of closure on areas in her past which perhaps haunted her. A past that to some degree prevented her from fully dealing with her relationship with Mulder on all levels. It is entirely common for two friends who love each other to start sexually expressing this love before they are emotionally capable of engaging in a dialogue about it. The entire episode, and naturally that scene specifically, was moreso about a realization or revelation of feelings [or really, the status of their relationship] versus any sexual connotation. “That says a lot, a lot, a lot. That’s probably more than we should be getting into at this late hour.” Mulder was essentially saying that maybe they should avoid the “what are we” conversation at that late hour, the relevance of the statement important due to their quiet acknowledgment that both were finally at a place of readiness and openness for that discussion. If anything, that quote has always strongly implied that it was NOT their first time, along with the entire tone of the opening and closing scenes of “all things.” Scully’s immense growth we bear witness to in this episode brings her to a point where she can acknowledge what has developed between she and Mulder. Due to their ongoing behaviour and antics throughout S7 we cannot fathom that this was this first time they slept together. Much, much prior to “all things” they were relating to one another on a more knowing, intimate level that generally comes from a sexual relationship. The emphasis, therefore, was on the new understanding they had reached by the end of “all things” regarding the apparent [in our opinion] pre-existing physical element to their union, not on their induction to a shared sexuality. We doubt that Scully and Mulder would entertain such an exchange so heavily weighted and then later that night end up sleeping together for the first time EVER after such a tense few days. The beauty of the implication of their sexual encounter in “all things” is that it wasn’t necessarily special in the way that many people interpret it, but rather it was special in the sense that they had finally come into a place in their relationship where it was going to be a lot more clear for each of them from then on out. Much of this had to do with Scully’s revelations throughout the episode and with her more fully dealing with her questions and doubt. This glimpse into the path she did not take [a chance Mulder had received months prior when he dreamt of a life with Diana Fowley] served to guide her to embrace where she was in her life and with Mulder.

Another issue at hand is we simply fail to believe that after they spent their first night together Scully would or could slip out of the door while Mulder lay sleeping in his bed. They had too much history together and far too powerful feelings for one another for that to be the case. Scully’s journey at this time in her life was not about fleeing – it was the opposite. She fled from Daniel Waterston and it is not within her character to experience such personal growth — to receive such resolution – only to almost immediately disregard the lessons learned and flee once more. The monumental element about the “after sex” scene was that it was not, in and of itself, monumental. Sometimes when we are only privy to glimpses into the lives of another, the ordinary is extraordinary.

Taking the entirety of the series into account, their ability to express their connection physically [not necessarily meaning sexually] had always come before their ability to vocally express their feelings for one another. This is a relatively common and natural occurrence in most relationships, or at least that is our opinion due to our own life experiences. Scully and Mulder were never the types eager to sit down and discuss their “feelings.” Only in times of desperation or duress did we see them readily engage the other in such raw openness. Even in those situations they failed to truly confess anything blatantly, as they instinctively sought to protect themselves by riddling their expressions with various hidden meanings and possibilities. There are times when we feel things for others that are so overwhelming and so strong that mere words fail to do any sort of justice to what our heart and mind and soul want to scream out. Attempting to formulate these thoughts into inadequate sentences is frustrating and ineffectual. Often times, it seems, the simplest and most profound way to reach out to another human being and express those innermost feelings and desires is with a physical manifestation. Incredibly intense feelings, such as the ones Scully and Mulder possess for the other, would be difficult for anyone to express let alone two individuals who have a shared love of non-verbal communication. Why wouldn’t they indulge in the ultimate non-verbal communication, you know, non-verbally?

There is also the issue that emotional love and the act of sex are two very, very different and separate things. It is entirely possible to have one without the other and vice versa. The lucky ones find someone to share both with, which is what Mulder and Scully found. The fascinating quality about these two, which really is touched on quite a few times with the “intellectual romance,” is that they eventually had both but the feelings versus physicality were quite separate entities for a rather long time. Reducing “all things” to their “first time” not only fails to make sense to us but really goes against the true nature of what we saw in their relationship and why it was so special and unique [which includes the fact that their bond always transcended the physical and even verbal].

On the matter of Daniel Waterston and his role in the apparent turning point in the emotional reconciliation Scully and Mulder undergo with regard to the various elements of their multi-faceted dynamic: sometimes our pasts haunt us. Regardless of how much we love the person in our present, there are times of solitude and immense reflection when we ponder the path not taken [or when we relentlessly Google-stalk the person and then erase the search history.] The inception of a new love, no matter how consuming it may be, cannot always erase that stubborn glimmer of the past that swirls through one’s subconscious mind, rearing its head when uncertainty in the present comes into play. Scully’s line to Daniel, “I don’t know what I have,” implied to us that she was confused as to how the sexual nature of her relationship with Mulder fit into the previously existing relationship and partnership they shared. How he felt; how she felt; where it was going. There are times in life when the ferity of a feeling scares the person it exists within. Fear of that sort combined with insecurities as to how the object of the affection feels in return may lead us down the paths of the past. Scully was evaluating her present, re-evaluating her choices, and coming to terms with a past that she so abruptly left behind. When there is no definitive cessation of a romantic relationship, when one never firmly says “goodbye” and instead chooses to flee, that door will forever remain slightly ajar unless a resolution between the two parties can be attained at some point. In our personal evaluation of their situation, it would seem that the psychological impact of sleeping together would lead them both to reflect upon lovers past, as is oft the case in reality.

In what is a rather frustrating element of the human condition and psychology, a love that existed once never ends. It is imprinted on the heart and on the soul, and while the bruise of its failure lessens over time, part of the blaze of that passion can never fully be extinguished. Our capacity to love may be exponential or it may be relative to our openness and acceptance of it. While the intensity of love can fade significantly given time and distance, there is no way to “Eternal Sunshine” the experiences and memories. Scully will, in some way, always love Daniel. This does not diminish the unique connection she shares with Mulder, as she would not be the Dana Scully we know if her experience with Waterston was not imprinted on her soul. These dormant or suppressed feelings are actually helpful in reminding us that we do indeed possess the capacity for such emotions and that at some point, once the former pain has faded and a person and timing unite, we have the ability to access those emotions. A past love is always somewhere swirling about our subconscious mind and will undoubtedly follow and haunt and threaten to destroy every other love that gets in its way if one does not attain a sense of finalization on some level. When there is that one person who holds a frustrating presence in one’s mind, regardless of how far away a person manages to get from them both figuratively and literally, it is more than plausible that as one attempts to navigate other relationships the one left behind seeps into that individual’s thoughts. So often a present lover evokes memories of past loves. Scully’s insecurities, doubt, fear, enjoyment, and love concerning the physical relationship she was sharing with Mulder would undoubtedly lead the ghosts of her past to resurface in her conscious mind. When these are not properly dealt with, they become walls separating us emotionally from someone we are with physically.

When one bolts from a situation, that individual is setting themselves up to forever wonder. In essence, a window is created to be haunted by a past that was too overwhelming to properly deal with in the present and the proverbial door is stuck open indefinitely. Generally responding in this manner is not a one-time reaction but rather a tendency or pattern when things grow increasingly complicated. It would make sense that the ever-increasing intricacies with the existing sexual relationship Scully and Mulder were unable to discuss led her to a reflection of former loves, to moments in time when she considered spending her entire life with another person and questioning that feeling of absolution — the feeling that this individual is the one who deserves that life. When one has previously envisioned a life with another and came to discover it was not in the cards, it leads to utter confusion and a need for reflection and self-analysis. There was no end, no finality, no goodbye between Dana Scully and Daniel Waterston. As the one who ran, she faced the unavoidable residual doubt about her decision for years; seemed to harbour a deep-seated guilt, pain, fear, and curiosity. Reaching a definite conclusion to her situation with Waterston would not lead her to Mulder’s bed for the first time — being in Mulder’s bed would, however, lead her to exploring closure with Waterston when presented with such an opportunity. She found herself traveling into a deep exploration and examination of her past. Already consumed with thoughts of paths and choices when Waterston dropped into her life again as abruptly as she left his, Scully was forced to take stock of everything leading up to the very moment she was living.

Anytime an individual abandons a relationship, the residual psychological effects of those actions generally rear up in one’s conscious mind once one has already begun to embark upon something new. It is the act of revisiting feelings that were experienced in the past with someone else; actions that were carried out before that spark a sense memory and bring an abundance of suppressed feelings roaring to the surface. It is easier to keep those thoughts in a state of dormancy when one is not entrenched in a romantic situation, when that part of the mind and heart are unused. We believe Scully experienced everything in “all things” so strongly, with such a ferocity and intensity, because she and Mulder had been carrying on a sexual relationship for some time and with each passing day of words going unsaid, she was growing more confused and unsure of it all. Plagued with such insecurity only to suddenly be faced with the man she left behind, Scully was led to a new understanding of herself, her motivations, what she wanted from Mulder and even an acceptance of how he had expressed his feelings for her. Her response to Waterston’s presence is so intensified because of her existing physical intimacy with Mulder, because she “doesn’t know what [she] has.” There were great, great implications in that statement and the way in which she uttered the phrase. It seemed to relate not only to her romantic life but to her life as a whole. She was at something of a crossroads and viewing her life on a larger scope, in search of a greater purpose.

Gaining that long-awaited terminus with Daniel allowed Scully further insight into her relationship with Mulder. In fact, this event seemingly tore down the final barrier to her freely accepting the sexual part of their relationship. All of the contextual clues and the psychological and emotional lives of the characters leading up to this episode leave us unable to entertain the idea that “all things” was their first sexual encounter. As one who fled rather than dealt, beginning a sexual relationship with a best friend is highly likely [if not an inevitable result] to prompt one to reflect upon the past and yearn to tie up loose ends. If sex was an ongoing or regular occurrence between Scully and Mulder, and they were becoming more intrinsically linked to their emotions and experiencing further clarity that it was just as much a part of their relationship as anything else, Scully would certainly want to come to terms with her past. She did not actively seek resolution with Daniel Waterston but when presented with such an opportunity, Scully jumped onto the emotional roller coaster of confronting her past and accepting, nay, even embracing her present.

Love, sex, friendship and completely indefinable relationships and connections all coexist within a very grey area … and often we desperately wonder about our past while actively engaging in our present. As sex between Scully and Mulder seemed more of a natural progression and not a wholly cognitive decision, the issues at hand were likely amplified to a degree most of us will never know. Closure with Daniel would lead her to Mulder’s bed that night, just not for the first time. It would certainly heighten their connection and the sexual experience following the event, but it would be far too overwhelming to begin a sexual relationship with Mulder after the Waterston encounter. Under the view that sex already existed between the two of them, they would most likely ease the tension of the past few days and reconnect physically and with a new and deeper understanding. Scully shook the past by tying up a loose end. The freedom she found from doing so, along with the greater understanding of herself and what she wanted, led Scully to personal revelations about Mulder. The Waterston incident surely changed their sexual relationship as well as their emotional connection and their friendship. These are two individuals who are not necessarily able to readily express their feelings in a verbal sense, so the sleepy conversation at the end of “all things” was a rather profound admission for them both. The scene, in its simplicity, demonstrates that nothing about the situation at face value was out of the ordinary for the pair. They were extremely comfortable lounging so closely on his couch. Scully easily fell asleep on Mulder’s shoulder. He gazed at her with a look of pure unadulterated love and followed the look with a complete lack of hesitancy to caress her face. It was as if he’d done it a thousand times over and he lacked any fear of being caught should she have been roused from her slumber. The gentle way in which Mulder covered her up [and/or moved her to the bed] indicates a situation not diverting far from the ordinary. This all speaks to a pre-existing sexual intimacy. Sex did not enter their relationship on that night for the first time, but sex with the last of their emotional barriers gone occurred for the first time that evening.

Sidebar I: As we first presented our thoughts on this matter on an X-Files message board, it was brought to our attention that Scully refers to Mulder as her “friend” when telling him that she was not comfortable performing an autopsy on his mother. As “Sein und Zeit” and “Closure” aired before “all things,” our timeline and theories have been called into question by that five-letter word. Though it has been awhile since either one of us have been half of a widely understood definition of a “relationship,” from our experience in the grey areas it is entirely likely that Scully would call Mulder her friend regardless. There is absolutely no need to trail off dramatically or to define their relationship in that instance. Whenever a relationship has progressed in that fashion we must remember that the two parties involved will always be friends first. That is how the relationship beyond friendship thrives and survives – it has an unshakable core, the sturdiest of bases.

Lest we also not forget the context in which this word was uttered and the tone and emotion in Scully’s voice. As is generally the case with these two, it is not their choice of words that matter but the way in which they are said. The word “friend” was expressed with such profundity that there was no need for her to call him anything more. At the heart of any relationship is the friendship, it is ultimately what holds two people together when the honeymoon is over, so-to-speak. Scully referring to Mulder as “friend” carries no weight in the situation concerned nor does it provide any bearance to the status of their sexual relationship, as the reference does not equate him to only a friend. This moment between the two was about a friend supporting a friend during a time of grief, the focus not being on them but on what was lost. Regardless of how deep the connection or how physical the relationship, they were founded on friendship. We suppose the plausibility of the use of this word in relation to “were they or weren’t they” lies within an individual’s own experience. Pulling from our own lives, it is absurd to insinuate that her having no hesitation but simply communicating something to her friend in an emotionally charged moment indicates that they were not sleeping together. As far as human behaviour [and most specifically SCULLY behaviour] is concerned, there is no real basis to assume that simply stating the word “friend” to someone who is that and more implies they are nothing more.

If one could bridge the gap between fiction and reality, and likewise travel through time, and confront Scully and Mulder in “Requiem” or even in “Essence” and “Existence,” they would likely still struggle to give definition to their relationship. This is not because they were lacking the makings of defining “lover” or even the cringe-worthy and far too simple “boyfriend/girlfriend,” but because their relationship was always so beyond anything that could be classified in those somewhat unremarkable terms. What would she say in place of friend? Lover? Boyfriend? Soulmate? Unlikely. Scully’s discomfort in autopsying his mother was obviously because they were friends. Bringing up any other aspect of their relationship in that scenario would almost have been inappropriate and really was not what Scully’s hesitation was based on. The lack of a definite classification for their relationship was also largely why they had issues coming to terms with what they were long after the point in their relationship when they consummated. These characters are frequently terrified of expressing emotion, especially ones that relate to the other. Sex doesn’t mean the friendship ceases to exist, or that the two parties involved should not consider one another a friend. It will only last if the friendship continues. It is also important to note that Scully and Mulder did not really consider anyone else in their lives a friend. Therefore, Scully’s use of that word carried a rather singular association to one person: Mulder. In “Amor Fati,” as they embark on their discussion of being one anothers’ constants and touchstones, Mulder tells Scully: “You were my friend, and you told me the truth.” This thought leads directly into his telling her something rather intense about who she is to him and what she means to him. “Friend” is a profound, important word to the two of them, and one they do not use lightly. The term does not disappear when sex enters into a friendship nor is it offensive, awkward, or out-of-place. It does not imply any promiscuity or failure to understand the gravity of their actions by those involved.

Perhaps this may be one of those instances where the concept is fully understood only after it is lived. Our interpretation of the relationship between Scully and Mulder may differ from the status quo because we do not compare what they have to any sort of run-of-the-mill romance. We don’t intend to give anyone’s relationship less meaning, simply for the two of us they are The Ultimate: a bond and connection so rare and raw and true, any of us would be extraordinarily lucky to find something anywhere near that level of trust and love. They were beautiful, flawed, complex, frustrating, confused, insecure. They were also madly in love and intellectually on par and because of these things, they had something more than any of us may ever conceivably hope to have … and through all of that, they were friends.

Sidebar II: We feel our analysis lends credence to Mulder’s awkwardness in S8 regarding Scully’s pregnancy. While some feel it was uncharacteristic, it really fits in so perfectly. Imagine being Mulder in that situation. You had been sleeping with your best friend but not openly discussing that aspect of the relationship. She asked you to donate sperm and father her child and though you expressed reservations about a child causing destruction in the relationship, you agreed only to have the invitro procedure fail. You then disappear for an extended period of time without much memory of what happened in that span of absence and when you wake up in a hospital room, you find the woman that you thought you didn’t get pregnant about to burst from the belly. That would be horrifically jarring for anyone, and especially so for Mulder. Not to mention that Scully had been working with a new male partner and for all of his cocky narcissistic tendencies, Mulder can also be rather insecure with regard to the more personal aspects of his life. Due to their reluctance to ever assure that they were on the same page romantically, despite carrying on a sexual relationship, they were both legitimately awkward and confused when attempting to deal with the ramifications of their actions [or lack thereof]. We always envisioned them not being able to bring themselves to discuss in-depth where they stood on an intimate level prior to his abduction. Returning to her life mid-pregnancy is a far different dynamic than being there from the start. Mulder felt replaced at work and unsure of his role outside of the FBI, not because he questioned his responsibility in Scully’s pregnancy but because he had literally been given no time to process this miracle that had developed in his absence.